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funny status

A word to the wise ain’t necessary – it’s the stupid ones that need the advice.

To err is human, to blame it on somebody else shows management potential.

An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have; the older she gets the more interested he is in her.

Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage.

Money won’t buy happiness, but it will pay the salaries of a large research staff to study the problem.

If you’re going to do something tonight that you’ll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.

The best way to lie is to tell the truth . . . carefully edited truth.

If you want someone who will listen to you every time, do everything you tell them to do, and always be there for you for better or for worse, get a dog.

Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy.

I have tried to know absolutely nothing about a great many things, and I have succeeded fairly well.

I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.

Children are smarter than any of us. Know how I know that? I don’t know one child with a full time job and children.

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

If you can’t get rid of the skeleton in your closet, you’d best teach it to dance.

It’s amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.

How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word? Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell “BINGO!”

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

By working faithfully eight hours a day you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve hours a day.

Cleanliness becomes more important when godliness is unlikely.

Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.

When you go into court you are putting your fate into the hands of twelve people who weren’t smart enough to get out of jury duty.

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