Funny Military Jokes

Funny Military Jokes

As the family gathered for a big dinner together, the youngest son announced that he had just signed up at an army recruiter’s
office. There were audible gasps around the table, then some laughter, as his older brothers shared their disbelief that he could handle this new situation. “Oh, come on, quit joking,” snickered one. “You didn’t really do that, did you?” “You would never get through basic training,” scoffed another. The new recruit looked to his mother for help, but she was just gazing at him. When she finally spoke, she simply asked, “Do you really plan to make your own bed every morning?”

Two Air Force fighter jets in transit to Reykjavik fly over a P3 Orion on subhunter patrol. They decide to have some fun, and fly down to either side of slower craft. They connect on the radio, and pass the time of day with the Navy pilot.
Then one jet pilot says, ‘Hey watch this!’ He shoots ahead to supersonic, points the nose up, pops up into the sky and disappears. He comes back into view behind them, screaming out of the sky, flies between the other two planes, pulls up just short of hitting the Atlantic, and eases back up to their altitude. He ends up in formation again.
The other jet pilot says, ‘Hey, watch THIS!’ Shoots straight down, to just-above-wave-level, tips over upside down, flies almost INTO a wave, turns over, sharp turn, spirals up until he actually circles the other two planes, then pulls into the formation again.
The P3 pilot says, ‘That’s nothing. Watch closely.’ With that, he gets out of his seat, waves, and walks out of the cockpit back into the plane. A few minutes later, he comes forward again, sits down and dons the headphones. ‘How was THAT?’
‘What the hell did you do?’ they ask.
‘I put a burrito in the microwave, caught the score on the game, ate the burrito, and woke up my copilot. He’s gotta fly this thing for a while.’

Having just moved into his new office, a pompous, new colonel was sitting at his desk when a PFC knocked on the door.
Conscious of his new position, the colonel quickly picked up the phone, told the PFC to enter, then said into the phone, “Yes, General, I’ll be seeing him this afternoon and I’ll pass along your message. In the meantime, thank you for your good wishes, sir.”
Feeling as though he had sufficiently impressed the young enlisted man, he asked, “What do you want?”

“Nothing important, sir,” the PFC replied, “I’m just here to hook up your telephone.”

One of my husband’s duties as a novice drill instructor at Fort Jackson, S.C., was to escort new recruits to the mess hall. After everyone had made it through the chow line, he sat them down and told them, “There are three rules in this mess hall: Shut up! Eat up! Get up!” Checking to see that he had everyone’s attention, he asked, “What is the first rule?” Much to the amusement of the other instructors, 60 privates yelled in unison, “Shut up, Drill Sergeant!”

A trio of old veterans were bragging and jokes about the heroic exploits of their ancestors one afternoon down at the VFW hall. “My great grandfather, at age 13,” one declared proudly, “was a drummer boy at Shiloh.” “Mine,” boasts another, “went down with Custer at the Battle of Little Big Horn.” “I’m the only soldier in my family,” confessed vet number three, “but if my great grandfather was living today he’d be the most famous man in the world.” “Really? What’d he do?” his friends wanted to know.
“Nothing much. But he would be 165 years old.”

As the sun rose over Parris Island, the senior drill instructor realized that one of his recruits had gone AWOL. A search party was dispatched immediately. After a few hours the recruit was discovered hiding in some bushes. He was sent back to the base and promptly escorted to the drill instructor’s office. The instructor asked the young recruit, “Why did you go AWOL?”
The recruit replied, “My first day here you issued me a comb, and then proceeded to cut my hair off. The second day you issued me a toothbrush, and sent me to the dentist, who proceeded to pull all my teeth. The third day you issued me a jock strap, and I wasn’t about to stick around and find out what would follow that SIR.”

In The US Tank school, the following are defitnitions, as appropriate, by the different organizations that support the tank:
In the tank gunnery school, you are taught that if your tank could move, and communicate but could not shoot, what you had was a worthless tank.
In the tank propulsion school, you are taught if your tank could shoot, and communicate, but could not move, what you had was a worthless tank.
in the tank communication school, you are taught that if your tank can move, and communicate, but can not shoot, what you have essentially is a 52 ton portable radio.

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