Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.
Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.
Congratulations to American Astronaut Shannon Lucid, she now holds the American record for most time in space. Of course, the old record was held by Jerry Garcia.”
Spaceballs (Dark Helmet)
Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I’m not sure about the former.
Albert Einstein (1879-1955)
You can observe a lot by just watching.
“If you were half as funny as you think you are, you’d be twice as funny as you are now.”
“Everyone should be able to do one card trick, tell two jokes, and recite three poems, in case they are ever trapped in an elevator.”
“A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.”
Winston S. Churchill
“Always go to other people’s funerals, otherwise they won’t come to yours.”
The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep.
W. C. Fields.
It is generally agreed that “Hello” is an appropriate greeting because if you entered a room and said “Goodbye,” it could confuse a lot of people.
“I can tell if two people are in love by how they hold each other’s hands, and how thick their sanitation gloves are.”
“I want my kids to have the things in life that I never had when I was growing up. Things like beards and chest hair.”
“My God, no wonder people like being tied up.”
I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something is wrong with me.
Wherever I go, people are waving at me. Maybe if I do a good job, they’ll use all their fingers.
Sometimes you’re the windshield; sometimes you’re the bug.
“Lindsay calls them the Pugs: pretty from far away, ugly up close.”
“The na at the end of banana annoys me as much as it would you if it were bananana.”
The greatest pleasure in life is doing what people say you cannot do.
Always go to other people’s funerals, otherwise they won’t come to yours.